The Beast In Me
by Risknight
Summary: Set after a zombie outbreak, Penny and Sheldon deal with the changes in each other, their friends, and in the world. There's no fluffiness here. Sometimes you just figure things out too late.


**I want to give a HUGE thank you to wolfofsheep for her help, guidance and general tolerance of my questions. She took what was a short, sort of bland story in Sheldon's POV and helped turn it into something a lot deeper, and more heartbreaking. Any problems with this are all my fault. She deserves so much praise for what this story is now. From helping with Penny's POV, to how to blend the two views, I owe so much thanks and gratitude to her.**

:Zombie Outbreak:

Sheldon POV

He could see her, vaguely. Just a shadow really, an outline against the evening sky. Rarely did she speak anymore. She was their guardian, now. Their watchful protector. She took that role seriously, and devoted every minute of every day to it. In the beginning, they had treated her as they always had. She was Penny, their flighty, emotional, beautiful neighbor. Someone he erroneously thought he was protecting. He had no idea when she had changed. Was it the day their world ended? The first time they saw a real zombie? The first time she killed to protect them? That was the day he realized it. He had watched her slit a man's throat. She did not cringe. She did not cry. She showed no remorse. He had pointed a gun at Howard's head, demanding they "give up the gals" and Pen had snuck up on him from behind and slit his throat calmly.

He remembered the startled cries from Amy and Bernadette. The disgust and horror on Leonard's face. The sobbing gratitude from Howard and Raj. And he remembered his own pain. Pain at the loss of what had made her Penny. Now she was Pen. Just that. An ambiguous name, sounding neither male or female. When they ran into others, which wasn't often anymore, she would separate from them. She would only allow others to see her if there was trouble. Trouble she usually solved with a knife or arrow.

Sheldon watched her as she moved along the ridgeline. She was jogging, like always. He knew she used the time to scout also. Sheldon sat down to wait. He wouldn't be able to relax until she returned. Inside the cabin he could hear Leslie whining again. She did that when she was menstruating. Amy, Missy and Bernadette were putting together a meal. The guys were arguing over whose turn it was to gather firewood. It was Howard's.

Penny POV

Penny remembered the moment she changed. Changed into the beast she had become. It was for the best. The best for the survival of not just her, but for everyone she cared about the most. She replayed the moment over and over again when she was scouting because it reminded her of WHY she was doing all of this. Why she gave up being the lost little blonde girl chasing her dreams and turned into the monster that her friends believed she was now but needed desperately. She didn't care what they thought, as long as they survived. As long as HE was alive. She paused in mid stride and a puff of smoke unleashed from her.

Sheldon POV

They had stayed here longest, almost 3 months. This remote cabin near Crater Lake was isolated, but Pen said it was easy to defend. No one argued with her. It wouldn't do any good. She would only walk away. She never argued anymore. He sighed. Just one more thing in a long list of things she never did anymore.

Two years ago, a lab accident in the CDC in Atlanta had caused the apocalypse. He smiled vaguely when he remembered all the times his friends had chided him on having survival scenarios for a zombie uprising. When it had happened, it spread fast. Within weeks, the entire world was overrun. One thing no one even considered though was that zombies were easy to kill, and didn't last long even on their own. The bodies still decayed, and most would be nothing more than lumps of inanimate goo within months. Of course, new people were being bitten all the time, but it was a declining threat. The real danger was the living. They resorted to marauding. Anarchy spread. There was no government anymore. No police. Just survival of the strongest, or sneakiest.

He was the first to admit that on their own, they would not have survived this long. The girls would have been taken from them, raped, used, maybe even killed. They would have been killed immediately. They were scientists, and had no valuable skills such as hunting or fighting to bring to a group, so they would have been seen as just weak mouths to feed. But they had her. She took care of them. But at what cost, he wondered. He wasn't sure even he knew what she had destroyed inside herself to be what they needed.

Sheldon sighed softly. It took the world falling apart to realize he loved her. It took her killing off the old Penny and replacing her with the new Pen for him to realize what he had missed out on. Because she no longer did relationships. She did not do sex. Pen did not do emotion. Leonard had tried, at first. It wasn't until she punched him and knocked out a tooth that he got the hint. The last time he had seen emotion in her eyes was the day she brought in Missy.

Penny POV

She paused to wipe away the sweat before it could run into her eyes. She looked around, making sure there was nothing and no one else around. She pulled a handkerchief from her pocket and wiped off the blade of the hunting knife before sliding it back into the sheath. She would need to go back to the cabin for a shovel. Leaving the bodies out in the open would only attract wild animals. Besides, she'd feel better if she could check on the others to make sure they were safe. She had been gone longer than she intended.

With a quick stretch of her knees she began jogging back . The sooner she got there, the sooner she could come back and finish this up. Pen sighed softly. When had everything narrowed down to such small goals? Live. Keep others alive. That was pretty much it. She allowed her mind to stray into the past as she moved through the trees.

_The changes started the day they were all huddled in apartment 4A watching the news. An accident in Georgia was the start of the zombie virus. She was sitting between Amy and Sheldon on the couch, her and Amy holding each others hand for comfort. A news reporter in Tennessee was standing at a bus station interviewing people trying to flee the city when the infected attacked. Penny had watched in horror as the reporter, a tall, dark haired man with crystal blue eyes was ripped to pieces. She hadn't dared look at Sheldon, afraid that if she did, it would be him she saw torn apart._

_She knew in that moment she would do anything and everything to protect him. So she listened to him. When he said they needed to arm themselves, she followed his instructions. She could shoot a gun well, but Sheldon said guns drew attention. She was very good with a knife thanks to a friend who did magic shows. He had taught her how to throw a knife, and years in food service had taught her how to wield one. Granted it was fruits and vegetables she knew how to slice, but it was a start._

_The day Sheldon said it was no longer safe to stay in the city, she gathered only what he said to carry. Weapons, a couple changes of sturdy clothes, and water found their way into a backpack. She kept the large hunting knife she had "appropriated" from a Wal-mart nearby strapped to her back under her jacket. _

_It was chaotic at first. Leonard questioned everything decision Sheldon made. Howard was positive they should not have left the safety of the apartment. Raj was just worried about his family. Amy was quieter than normal. Here was a situation she had never anticipated and she was lost. Bernadette was more rational, if a bit too excited. She desperately wanted to study the virus. She also wanted to survive. So, the first weeks were rough going. They learned quickly that while zombies were not slow, they were pretty dumb. If one lost sight of you, it forgot about you. Hiding was the easiest way to escape them. They weren't particularly tough to kill, but rarely did you see just one or two_.

Sheldon POV

She said they should go to Galveston. It was only a few hours away from the army base they were headed to for safety. None of the others had wanted to. They were too anxious to get to where soldiers could protect them. So, she left in the middle of the night. Two days later she showed up again, towing Missy and Leslie Winkle along behind her. She had run into Leslie who was also trying to get to safety. Missy had been holed up in a bank, half starved, scared out of her mind almost. When she walked into the light of their campfire, he had seen a brief flicker of relief as she looked at him. He had the impression that she hadn't really cared one way or the other about the rest of the group. But then it was gone and she kept her distance. After that she kept her distance even from him. Especially from him.

Three days later they ran across three soldiers. The base was overrun. No authority left. The soldiers had tried to take over the group. He had been shocked as Pen had snuggled up to one of the men and practically purred at him. The others had crowded around the obviously willing female. In moments they were dead, or dying. She was quick with her knife. Leslie had screamed at her. They had been trained soldiers. They could have protected the group, she said. Pen had let her rant for 10 minutes.

Then with dead eyes and a bland voice she said, "They would have killed all of us. The men first. Then after they had raped us, they would have slit our throats so they didn't have to feed us. Here's the deal. We go where Sheldon says. We do what Sheldon says. Anyone gets in his way, I take care of it. Don't like the hierarchy? Hit the road. I never invited _you_ along anyway."

So, he was the official leader. Because he had a plan. Because he had prepared, at least mentally. Leslie settled into the group, mainly because she had no one else. Hooking up with Leonard sealed it. Everyone had hooked up, actually. Raj and Missy, Howard and Bernadette, even him and Amy. Eventually he had given in to Amy's demands. She was his friend, she loved him, and she was scared. So despite his lack of desire for her, he let her in his bed. They slept together now. And if he closed his eyes and pretended she was blonde and green eyed, well she didn't need to know that.

Penny POV

_Howard had found an RV and they had loaded up. It was a bit cramped but it got them all the way to Las Cruces, Arizona before it broke down. From there they had to walk. Highways were jammed, and it was safer to stick to the open land. You could see anyone coming long before they were close enough to be a threat. Lackland Air Force Base was supposed to be safe, so that was where they were heading. _

_Penny blamed herself. If she had been more diligent, the guy never would have snuck up on them. It was a mistake she would learn from though. Howard and Raj were on watch. She knew pairing the two of them up wasn't a good idea, but she had kept her opinion to herself. They were woken up by the shouting. The guy had a Beretta pressed against Howard's jaw so hard it was leaving an imprint. The man was wild eyed and crazed. Penny slipped back into the shadows away from the dying camp fire. She moved as quietly as she could until he was in front of her. Her hunting knife was in her hand before she thought about it. She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Fear made her let go of that last tiny spark of her inner cheerleader. Instinct made her grab hold of her inner warrior. She didn't blink as she felt the blade slice through skin and muscle. She didn't cringe as hot blood splashed over her hand and Howard. She didn't even flinch when she met the despair in Sheldon's eyes._

_In that moment Penny started to fade away. Penny was emotional. Penny needed to comfort as much as she needed comfort herself. She wanted everyone to be happy and get along. Penny was not strong enough to survive in this world, nor was she strong enough to protect the others. But Pen could be. Pen was coming to life inside her. Pen, who could make the hard choices, and would do what was necessary._

_For the next three days all the others avoided looking at her, except Sheldon. He watched her every move. At first with fear, but soon with confusion and regret. He seemed to understand that what she had done had change her. Soon though the others put it out of their minds. A sort of 'pretend it didn't happen' way of thinking. _

_They were nearing Lackland when Penny woke up to hear Sheldon talking in his sleep. He was calling out to Missy, begging her to hide. Sheldon had not mentioned his family since the day they left Pasadena. She knew he had given up all hope for them. She knew it was probably hopeless. She had to try though, for Sheldon. When the others woke up, she told them she wanted to sidetrack to Galveston. She wanted to see if they could find the Coopers. For a brief second hope had shone in Sheldon's face, only to disappear as quickly. No one agreed, not even him. They used words like improbable, unrealistic, suicidal, and insane. The more they said no, the more determined she became. _

_She had waited until everyone was asleep. They had found a small hunting shack and taken shelter in it. She and Leonard had the watch. She told him she was going to use the bathroom and slipped outside. She didn't look back. _

_She ran into Winkle in Victoria while she was changing the front tire on a bike she had found. Leslie had been with a group of friends who had traveled to the Naval base in Corpus Christi. After a week there it had been overrun and she had made her way here. She was tired, dehydrated and scared out of her mind. She hadn't even recognized Penny at first. Of course, once she did, she tried to assert herself as the alpha female. Penny had no patience for the posturing though. She pedaled away, leaving Winkle to survive on her own. It only took Leslie an hour to find a bike of her own, catch up and decide to follow._

_They made it to Galveston by morning thanks to the punishing pace Penny set. Finding Missy wasn't hard. Getting to her was a different matter. The bank was surrounded by the infected. Finally Leslie came up with an idea. The buildings were fairly close together, so they went down the street and climbed up onto the roof of hardware store. The jumps between buildings was only a foot or two. Inside the bank Penny found 6 people. Only Missy was willing to leave. Penny faded a bit more as she made the decision to leave the other 5 there to certain death. She wasn't going to force someone to be saved._

_Pen looked around the group as they welcomed Leslie and Missy. They seemed worn and weary from the changing of seasons. She hated being still. She needed to move around, make sure everything was secure, and busy herself before her mind wanders on 'What Could Have Been'. She shakes her head as her eyes fall to the two newest members. She doesn't show it, but her heart is lifted knowing that Missy was safe and by her brother's side. _

Jolted back to the present, Pen could see Sheldon standing near the cabin, waiting on her. He was a good leader. He worried about everyone, and did what was best for the group, no matter what his personal feelings were. She slowed as she neared him, allowing her muscles to cool down slowly. She was down to a walk by the time she reached him and he fell into step beside her.

Sheldon POV

"Everything okay?" he asked, taking in the smears on her hands and pants.

She nodded once, quick and sharp. They moved into the living room and the others looked up.

Amy smiled at him warmly and then looked away. She and Pen were no longer "Besties". Amy couldn't connect with her. Nor did she really try, he thought. "Dinner is ready," she said in her cool voice. Everyone sat down at the table, except Pen. She would fix herself a plate and then eat on the porch as she cleaned and checked her weapons. She would sharpen her knives, check her supply of arrows, maintain her bow and crossbow. Only tonight she made no move to eat. Instead she walked to the bathroom and soon they heard her pour water into the sink.

After twenty minutes she came out and walked back outside. Missy stood and followed. She was the only one besides himself who made an effort anymore. He wanted to go out there also, but instinct made him stay seated. An hour later Missy returned. Her hands and knees were dirty, and there was a streak of mud across her cheek. She washed up in the water Pen had left in the sink and then moved to curl up in Raj's lap.

Her eyes were red rimmed and tired. "She found two children. They were turned." The other women gasped, even Leslie. "I helped her dig the hole, but couldn't watch. She's burying them now under that old sycamore near the creek."

Penny POV

She placed her back to the tree and laid her head on her knees. She had never been much for prayer before. She wasn't convinced there was a god. Instead she softly sang a verse from a Leanne Rimes song.

"_**I know what makes me comfortableI know what makes me tickAnd when I need to get my way I know how to pour it on thickCream and sugar in my coffeeRight away when I awakeI face the day and pray to God I won't make the same mistakesOh the rest is out of my handsI will learn to let go what I cannot changeI will learn to forgive what I cannot changeI will learn to love what I cannot changeBut I will change, I will changeWhatever I, whenever I can"**_

There were so many things she had changed. So many things she had let go of. She closed her eyes and saw them all as they had been. Pen rose from the ground and brushed off her pants. It was getting dark and she needed to get back to the cabin. Sheldon had saved her a plate and she ate outside, avoiding everyone's eyes. Sometimes she hated them all. They looked at her with horror and disappointment, but yet they relied on her to be ruthless.

Sheldon POV

It was near 3am when he left his bed and walked out onto the porch. Pen was sitting on the railing watching out over the clearing. She didn't even bother to turn around. "Yes?"

Sheldon clenched his hands so he didn't reach for her. "You need sleep."

She nodded. "And I'll get it when the sun rises. Something turned those kids. No way a 5 yr old and a 10 yr old get this far by themselves. Somewhere out there is at least one more, an adult. When light comes, you guys can keep watch and I'll rest. None of you have good night vision. Go back to Amy. Get some sleep so you can spell me later."

Sheldon moved closer. He shouldn't ask. He knew better than to ask. "Does it bother you that I am with her?" he whispered.

Pen turned to look at him. For the first time in over a year and a half he saw a flicker of emotion. Pain. "She needs you."

"What do you need?" he asked softly.

Pen's eyes were once again dead. "You with her."

She turned back around, an obvious dismissal. Sheldon stood there for a few more minutes and then he hurried away.

Penny POV

"What do you need?" he had asked. Penny sighed softly to herself. That was easy to answer.

"You with her."

I need you to be loved. I need you to be cared for. Because I can't do that. She will give you comfort, and warmth and acceptance. I can only give you safety. She isn't drenched in blood. She isn't dead inside. I love you, but I can't give you love. Not anymore. She heard him walk away an she turned her attention back to the night.

Sheldon POV

He slipped back into his room and leaned against the door. After a moment he returned to the bed and slid in beside Amy. He brushed her hair from her face and woke her with a kiss.

"Sheldon," she murmured sleepily. "What's wrong?"

He didn't answer. He couldn't. Instead he crushed her to him and stripped off her gown. He slid his hand between them and made sure she was sufficiently moist. Then he plunged into her. He thrust fast and deep. He buried his head in her chest and used his fingers on her clit to bring her quickly. He gave her pleasure to assuage his guilt of using her.

"I love you," she said gently.

"I love you," he lied.

Penny POV

The first time Amy threw up, Pen knew. She watched Sheldon hold Amy's hair back as she lost her lunch over the porch rail. Pen walked away immediately. She was able to walk sedately only until she reached the trees. Then she broke into a run. She ran as fast as she could. Before long she reached the ridgeline. She raced down the other side to the small waterfall she had found months earlier. It was her secret place. Here she would let go. Release all her pain and stress under the pounding water. Tears coursed down her face, mingling with the spray of the water. She stripped off her clothes and plunged into the freezing water.

Now what? What was she going to do? She had always known this was a possibility. A baby. How the hell was she going to protect a baby? Sheldon's baby? She stayed there until the sun was high overhead. Slowly she crawled out from under the water and dressed. She had a vague plan. Nothing much, just an idea. But it was better than nothing.

Sheldon POV

Sheldon took a deep breath. "Amy's pregnant," he said nodded. "I know." Sheldon looked at her in surprise. She shrugged. "I've known since last week when she got sick. I think Missy is starting to suspect, too."

Sheldon reached out and touched Pen's arm, turning her toward him. "Penny.."

She shook her head. "No, Sheldon. Don't say it. You'll only regret it later."

He looked at her, letting her see the pain and regret inside him. "More that I already do?"

She met his eyes firmly. "Yes. You have to let that go, Sheldon. You have woman who loves you, an unborn child who needs you."

Sheldon felt anger flare up inside him. "Don't you ever wish it was different? Doesn't it matter to you how I feel?"

Pen shook her head. "No, Sheldon I don't. You taught me that the only way to succeed is to commit to something wholly. To let nothing and no one get in the way. Wishing accomplishes nothing, Sheldon."

He shook his head, wanting to deny it. She started to turn away from him and he grabbed her. He crushed her to him and did what he had always wanted. He kissed her. He forced his tongue into her mouth and poured all his passion and desire into her. For a bare moment she responded. Only the slightest flicker of her tongue against his, a slight softening of her lips. Then she pushed him away.

Her eyes were wide and filled with things he didn't understand. He took a deep breath and tried to steady his pulse. "Pen…"

She shook her head. "I'm sorry Sheldon. I can't be that girl anymore. She's dead and gone. The sooner you accept that, the happier we'll both be." Pen turned and swiftly walked away.

He watched her disappear into the darkness, taking his heart with her.

Penny POV

She had seen the words forming and tried to stop it. This would only do more harm. She didn't want this. Not anymore. She had worked too hard to purge all of that. Did she still desire him? Of course. There was no denying that. But she didn't love him anymore. Not as a woman loves a man. She had trained her mind and body to love him abstractly. He was her purpose. Her burden. In that there was no emotion. Only a goal.

She managed to not respond to his kiss. Almost. She did manage to end it. To break away from him. He was too important. She couldn't fail now. Not when Amy needed him more than ever.

It took her three and a half weeks to find something to work with. A small group of people, two couples and an elderly man were passing through. They told her about a settlement in Canada in exchange for one of her guns and some ammo. She also threw in the sack of rolls and venison she was carrying as her lunch when she saw the small little girl they were hiding. Before she left them, she dug into her pocket and pulled out the last Penny Blossom she had. It was her talisman. The little girl loved it.

With a lighter heart and a spark of hope, Pen made her way back to the cabin. Everyone was just getting ready for bed when she walked in.

"Tomorrow we pack up. We take only what food we can carry. We're going to Canada."

Immediately everyone started to speak. Some questioning, some arguing, only Amy was quiet. Sheldon shouted for silence.

"What do you mean we're leaving? We can't. It's fall. Winter is only two months away. Amy is pregnant." He was confused. Penny rarely stepped in to make decisions. She never took over the reins.

"That's why, isn't it?" Amy asked. She looked at Pen calmly, meeting her eyes for the first time in almost a year.

Pen nodded. "There's a town. Near Alberta. They have a doctor."

Leonard stepped closer to Pen. "How do you know? You couldn't possibly have seen it."

Leslie nodded. "It's too dangerous. We're safe here. We haven't seen anyone in months. There's only been two zombies in even longer. I say we stay."

Pen kept her eyes on Amy's. She would be the one to decide. No one else. Not even Sheldon had a say in this. She watched Amy's face filter through various emotions. Fear, hate, worry, pride, even sorrow. Somehow Pen got the feeling the hate and the sorrow were both for her.

Finally Amy nodded. "I'll start packing now."

The others erupted into more debate. Sheldon took Amy's shoulders in his hands. "Amy, are you sure about this?"

Amy nodded. "Pen is right. I will need a doctor. She can get me to one."

Sheldon looked at Pen. "You'll go without us, won't you?"

Pen nodded without hesitation. "Yes. I'm not letting her have her child here in this damp, dirty cabin. A baby won't survive here, Sheldon. You know that."

By morning everyone had reluctantly agreed to go. Pen disappeared in the early hours and returned by noonday. She had a tent, a full first aid kit and some thick fleece blankets. She helped Amy pack some clothes while the others gathered supplies.

Amy turned to her just as they were finishing. "You love him, don't you?"

Pen looked up at her and shook her head. "No, Amy. Not anymore. I used to. Then I turned it into something else."

Amy nodded. "It's what makes you so hard now, isn't it?"

Pen shrugged. "Probably. But it's not all of it." Pen sighed and stood. She pulled Amy up to her feet and tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. "Amy, I loved you all. Maybe I still do. Who I am, what I am, is for you. You, Sheldon, Leonard, Raj, everyone. It would have killed me to lose even one of you. Yes, I loved Sheldon with all my heart. But I loved you too. You guys were and are my life. I will do whatever it takes to see you safe and happy."

Amy had hated Penny for so long, been jealous of her for even longer. She had thought all this time that it was just routine that made Sheldon chose her over Penny. Now she realized it was Pen who had chosen for them. She had pushed Sheldon and Amy together because she loved them. She wanted them to have a life, a life she denied her own self. After a moment, Pen patted her awkwardly on the arm. Then she picked up the backpacks and walked away.

It was easy going at first. The women treated it like an adventure, and the men found they were actually enjoying themselves as well. It felt good to be out of the cramped cabin, even if they were sleeping out in the open, except Amy and by default Sheldon. Pen had brought the tent for her. She didn't want to risk Amy catching a cold. The further north they went, the colder the nights got. After that first week Sheldon decided everyone need to share the tent, they could share body heat that way. It was cramped, but doable.

The day Pen saw the first signs of frost, she was worried she had started too late. It had taken too long to find out about the town. She had to get them there before snow hit. But she just couldn't bring herself to push Amy faster. She was about four months along and like everyone else, bordering on malnourished despite the wild game Pen had killed. She waited until everyone was asleep one night before taking off. She had to find them a house, or cabin to hole up in. Then once they were safe, she would go grab the doctor and bring him to Amy. She was only a couple of hours away from the camp when she saw the lights through the trees. She cautiously moved closer.

At the edge of the forest she saw it. A high fence surrounded the town. Pen fell to her knees beside a pine. She hadn't failed them. She sobbed quietly. For too long she had shouldered the weight of their survival. They were so close now. She stood and took one last look at the town. Then she turned and jogged back, feeling lighter than she had since the day Amy had her first bout of morning sickness.

Sheldon POV

He looked down the hill to the small town below. It had taken them 6 weeks and 2 days to get here. A small hamlet just inside what once was Alberta Canada. How she knew it was safe, she never told them. She just insisted it was, and that they come here. He looked at the others, saw the joy and relief in their faces. All except Amy. Amy was too tired to be joyous. Amy was the reason they had made the long trek. Also the reason they took so long to do it. She was 4 months pregnant.

The moment Pen had found out, she had begun scouting further and further from the cabin. Amy was pregnant and there was no way Pen was going to leave her to have a child in that ratty cabin with no doctor. So she had searched and found it. Rumors of a safe town. A town with a doctor, a clinic. Somewhere they could be safe, and have a life again.

Sheldon turned to Pen and she bobbed her head forward. He took the lead and they made their way to the town. It was surrounded by a high fence. When they neared, a warning shout rose up from a guard. Sheldon knew she paid close attention as he assured the guard they were unharmed, and only sought shelter and a doctor for Amy. She kept to the back of the group, watchful, but drawing no attention to herself. She would remain vigilant in case this place was not what they hoped. He was certain she would get them to safety if things went wrong.

They were welcomed with open arms. 200 people in all lived behind that wall. They had two doctors, luckily. Howard and Leonard made themselves indispensable almost immediately. Their knowledge of mechanical things were assets here. Raj quickly found a niche with the kitchen workers, thanks to his talent for breads and pastries. Leslie and Missy worked with the children. The entire village claimed the kids as family, since most were orphans. Sheldon was drawn into the governing board. His ability to plan and prepare was greatly appreciated. Amy was coddled by the women of the town, being one of only four pregnant women.

Pen stayed apart though. He tried to keep track of her, but she seemed to fade into the shadowy edges of the town, watchful, but keeping to herself. Where was the Penny who was social and friendly? They were safe now. Surely she could let go of Pen now.

Penny POV

She waited until she knew they were settled. It was a struggle for her, and with each passing moment her anxiety grew. There were too many people. Too many sounds. She couldn't sleep here. She felt boxed in after so long out in the open. She felt stifled because here she was not needed. There was no scouting to do. No hunting for food.

She found a place, along the wall, where she could see out over the land. That was where she longed to be. She had been sitting there for a couple of hours when the marine showed up. He had been a colonel, he said. Now he was in charge of security here. He offered her a job.

"Your friends say you're good with a bow and a knife. I could always use another set of eyes up here." He smiled down at her. "Especially such a pretty set."

Pen looked at him closely. He was about ten years older than her but still very handsome. He was tall and dark haired. His eyes were a darker blue, but they reflected his smile. Pen turned to him suddenly. "Do you have a wife or girlfriend?"

Martin shook his head and smiled warmly. It wasn't that he hadn't had offers. He just hadn't found time to incorporate a woman into his life yet. He was flattered when she slid a hand up his chest and rose up to press her lips to his. She tasted like rain, he thought with astonishment. His arms slipped around her waist and she molded herself to him.

Pen let him lead her to his small house. She fell into his bed, eager to forget, to feel, to be held. It was her waterfall all over again. She poured out her passion, her need and her sorrow. It felt good to be touched, to be kissed. She closed her eyes as he slid inside her, her mind blank. She let go of everything that bound her here, her responsibilities, her ties, her friendships. She released it all and gave herself over to sensation.

Sheldon POV

It was several days after it happened before Sheldon found out she was gone. He was walking long the fence when he heard her name. He looked up and saw Colonel Martin, head of security talking to another man. He slipped into the shadows under the walkway and listened.

"What in the world did you do to Pen?" the other man asked.

"I wish I knew." Martin said wistfully. "I approached her about joining the security detail. She asked a few questions and then she stopped. She just turned to me and asked if I had a woman. I said no, and she kissed me. Next thing I know, we're in my bed."

Sheldon closed his eyes and bit the inside of his mouth to keep from crying out his pain. She had chosen someone.

"It wasn't anything I've ever experienced before, Craig," Martin said with a sigh. "You've heard the stories the science guys tell. About how tough and ruthless she is. But not then. She was soft and warm, and it was as if she was falling apart."

Sheldon tried to will his legs to move, to carry him away from this. He didn't want to hear she was happy with someone else.

"So what went wrong?" Craig asked. Sheldon froze.

"She wasn't really with me," Martin said. "Not in her head. She was saying goodbye to something, maybe someone, but I think to everything, civilization itself. The next morning she was gone. Jessie, that Kentucky kid? He told me she had left before dawn. Told him to lock up tight. He asked when she was coming back, so he could alert the guards. He said she just walked away. That was 4 days ago. She's not coming back. I'd bet money on it."

Sheldon crumbled onto the ground. Gone. Pen had left. Hours passed before he finally went home. Amy took one look at him and knew. He realized she had always known. He held her close and promised her he did care. He did love her. She accepted it. Just like she always had.

Colonel Martin was wrong, sort of. Pen did return. Just not in the flesh. Every few months they would see more refugees come in. Sometimes one or two, sometimes more. All with the same story. A blonde woman who had found them and led them here. She had protected them and guided them. But she never came closer than the tree line on the hill. There she would watch the people she rescued go into the city.

Penny POV

The first group she lead, she found by accident. She had made her way back to the cabin, only to find it occupied by a group of young adults. One of the guys tried to lay claim to her, but a black eye and knee to the groin soon made him rethink his stance. Soon they were looking to her as leader, a role she hated. In order to rid herself of their clinginess, she led them to the town.

She had been out hunting for a replacement window for the cabin when she found the two old men, half dead. It only made sense to get them to a doctor, and she only knew one place to find one. Little by little she found herself expanding her territory. Not every stray she picked up was led to the town. A couple of times she ran across men who had no interest in civilization. The men who had caged a group of women as sexual slaves died slowly. Then she burned their little house of torture to the ground so no one else could use it.

The children were the hardest to help. Some had turned feral, having no one but themselves to care for. Some were traumatized by being alone. Their small bodies couldn't move fast over long distances, and many times it took triple the time to make the journey than it did for adults. But there was something more satisfying with the children. They needed her. The adults could have made it on their own, probably. The children wouldn't have.

Sheldon POV

He asked every one of them to tell him everything they could about her. A trio of women told of how she had rescued them from a cage. She had set fire to the building, cremating the dead men inside. A couple of older men told him how she had saved them from starvation in the small shack they were hiding in. Always the tales were the same. Cold, distant, and deadly were the descriptions most often heard. Only children told a different story. Tales of gentle care and a song about kitties. Of being carried on her back and cuddled and hugged at night.

Then the stories stopped because the arrivals stopped. A year went by with no word. Then two. She was gone. Maybe even dead. The night he gave up, Amy held him as he sobbed. She let him pour it all out, offering him solace. She didn't know why he stayed with her. She had lost the baby two months after their arrival, yet he stayed. She loved him even more for that. He could have left. Gone to find her. She sometimes hated her because Sheldon loved her. She sometimes loved her because she let Amy have him.

He wiped away the tears that spilled down his face and stood up. He undressed and slid back into bed. "I love you," he whispered. She smiled softly and hugged him close. She watched him close his eyes and pretend she was someone else. And she let him. Just as she always had.

Penny POV

She was tired. It had been almost 7 years since the outbreak. She stood at the door of the cabin and looked out at the stars. Her legs ached, as did her hips and back. The strain and stress had taken their toll. The cold sapped her energy now, and she suspected it was arthritis settling in her joints. She was going to have to give up the bow soon. Her fingers weren't able to pull back on it like they had been, and her aim was no longer always true. She smirked at herself. 36 years old and already worn out.

She sat down on the railing and leaned her back against the post. Her thoughts wandered to her friends. She wondered if they were happy, if they ever thought of her. For a brief time she had considered going back. But she knew it would be a bad idea. She didn't belong there any more than they belonged here in this tiny little cabin.

After a while she walked back inside and settled into her bed. This was her place. Her 0-0-0-0. She fell asleep dreaming of Halo nights, Firefly marathons and rounds of Soft Kitty.


End file.
